If IQ (intelligence quotient) is a measure of intelligence, reason and logic, then EQ (emotional quotient) is a measure of emotional understanding, empathy and self-awareness.
Emotional intelligence (EI) has come more and more to the fore as a key element of management and leadership practice since Daniel Goleman’s 1995 book on emotional intelligence shone a light on the need to consider how we feel as much as how we think.
There are many models of emotional intelligence, whereas Goleman broke his model down into five components:
How well you manage the above determines how you show up to others, which in turn determines how much they want to spend time with you, listen to you, and be led by you.
Get it right and people will be engaged and supportive of your ideas, share their thoughts and will also encourage others to get involved. Get it wrong and you will struggle to get people to listen, support your ideas, offer their input or go the distance with you.
At the heart of EI is "know thyself". This means reflecting on how you believe you measure up against the five components above. This reflection needs to incorporate how you feel you are doing, but should also consider feedback from others as to how they say you measure up against the components.
So how can coaching help with "know thyself"?
I recall a client who had stakeholder feedback at the beginning of their coaching journey, that suggested they were not engaging their team, was seen as a bit of a dampener on the office culture and didn’t listen.
This feedback came as quite a shock to the client.
When we explored the feedback further and discussed how the client reflected on how they were perceived and the decisions they had made, they said they didn’t have time for such reflection as they were too busy.
They weren’t making time to "know thyself".
Luckily, the stakeholder feedback prompted them to recognise that how they thought they were showing up was very different to how the people they worked with saw them and that they needed to act on this. Through coaching, they explored how to be more self-reflective and how to make time for it. We then went on to look at listening better and how to be more empathetic to what they heard, all of which are key elements of developing emotional intelligence.
This was a very personal journey for the client, as it meant challenging their previously held beliefs on how they thought about themselves, how others saw them and the impact this was having on their ability to lead.
It is classic coaching territory, in that the coach needs to create a trusted relationship in which the client feels supported by the coach to take a good look at themselves and ask what do I like, what don’t I like and what am I going to do about it? This can be very uncomfortable for the client, and the coach plays a key role in helping them stay the course and encouraging deeper reflection than the client may otherwise entertain.
The coach then supports and facilitates the client to explore what am I going to do off the back of this self-reflection? How am I going to listen, empathise, communicate and read the room better going forwards? Also, just as importantly, how do I make this self-reflection/self-awareness business as usual and not a one-off exercise just as a part of coaching?
If you want to explore how well you "know thyself", perhaps start thinking about, or keeping a journal recording how well you feel you have showed up each day, think about what went well, what went less well and what you would do differently next time. Even better, try and get feedback from others on how you showed up and check how that relates to your impression of how things went.
In line with Goleman’s five EI components, think also about:
Reflect on what patterns you see developing, what this is telling you about how you show up or how others see you (if you get feedback) and what you need to do about that. If you make a change to how you behave, keep up the self-reflection and see if the change has the desired outcome.
As we change roles, organisations and cultures we need to check that the behaviours we have developed are still fit for purpose. So, make self-reflection an ongoing process and not a one-off and it will stand you in good stead for balancing how you and those around you feel as well as how they think.
As always, if you have any questions about this topic or any other coaching questions please get in touch.
From the author:
As coaching is not an advice-giving service, these blogs are not written with the intention of proposing solutions to common leadership challenges. Instead, they are thought pieces with the aim of prompting the reader to think more deeply about the topic and reflect on whether it warrants further exploration, with or without a coach.
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